‘I used to abuse my wife – this is how I changed my ways’

Walking on eggshells, unsure of what she had ‘done’ and living in fear of what might happen next.
Those were constant feelings for Alison, not her real name, in her marriage.
Her husband Pete, also not his real name, would often be shouting in their marital home in Gloucestershire.
He would verbally abuse her, leaving her feeling frightened as he stomped around the house and slammed doors and cupboards as he went.
Because he did not hit his wife, Pete did not see his behaviour for what it was – abuse.
Now though, that has changed.
Through domestic abuse charity FearFree, Pete has received support to change his behaviour.
For the first time, he says he can “sleep peacefully” knowing he is no longer an abusive husband.
Speaking anonymously to ITV News for the protection of his family, Pete said: “I was shouting a lot, slamming things, stamping things around the house, anything like that.
“I could see that my wife was on eggshells. I don’t even know why I was doing that.”
One day Pete said Alison sat him down and challenged his behaviour.
“My wife said ‘can’t you see the way your behaviour is, the way you are talking to me… it’s not right’,” he reflected.
He went to his doctor to ask for help and was given a support worker, who signed him up to the 25-week course with FearFree.
“The word abuse, to me, meant that the person hit their partner – but I never hit my wife. I was verbally abusive.
“I didn’t find that out until it was pointed out a bit by my wife, but then I went on the course and then I realised ‘I am verbally abusive, yeah, my attitude is not right at all’.”
The course, run across Gloucestershire, Wiltshire and Devon, supports people in changing their behaviour and encourages healthy relationships.
Pete said: “I didn’t like the idea of being in a group with say five men.. my father always said ‘big boys don’t cry, you don’t show your feelings’ and that’s what it was with the group.”
After completing the course, Pete asked organisers if he could do it all over again as he feared he hadn’t actually learnt from it.
“Blokes out there might judge me, they can judge me as much as they want – I’m not bothered because I’m able to put my head on my pillow at night now next to my wife and sleep peacefully without any arguments.”
Alison told ITV News their relationship is “massively different now”.
She said: “It felt as if I didn’t have a voice, I wasn’t really allowed an opinion. I wasn’t sure why he was doing those things.
“For no apparent reason I felt like I was a victim but I didn’t know what I had done or what was coming. I never knew how it was going to escalate.
“Over the first 10 weeks [of the course] he’d open the door to conversation. He’d listen when I’d say ‘can you unclench your first’ or ‘you don’t need to shut the cupboard door like that, you’re making me jumpy’.
“[Our relationship is] massively different now. We can discuss whatever is going on in our lives. I don’t feel nervous, I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
“It’s much calmer and I feel as if I have a voice now and I’m not afraid to say when I have a problem. This course definitely does work.”
Gemma Vinton, Head of Service at FearFree, said of the course: “People are offered a 25 week programme, often a group programme.
“That programme really is a psycho-education, really detailed package that unpicks the reasons that person is demonstrating abusive behaviour and gives people coping strategies to look at what alternatives might be.”
She added: “People will ask, does it always work?
“The honest answer is nothing always works, but if we have someone who really wants to work with us and wants to change, we find these sessions incredibly helpful.
If you or somebody you know is affected by domestic abuse, FearFree is available to help in the South West.
You can contact their Wiltshire support line on 01225 775276 or their Devon support centre on 0345 155 1074.
Other resources available include: